I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
