I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
