my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
