Christians are straight up FREAKS
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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