What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think people are normalizing furries
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
