Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
