Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
