God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
