I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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