I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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