if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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