I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
