I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
