Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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