Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
