It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
