i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
no, he came in my armpit
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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