I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
