he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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