The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
