Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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