Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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