my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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