My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
