I am spending my child support on dildos
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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