You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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