Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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