FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
3pm strippers are depressing
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
