sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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