please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
