I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
