He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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