If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize