you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
