GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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