dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
