I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
