And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
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You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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