I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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