i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
