As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
