i think my tv is drunk
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Still dying that you shit outside
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
