I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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