Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
