We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
