Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
