i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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