He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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