my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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