dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
