I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
