Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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