Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Having a random hookup so left but love u
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
pray to the hookup gods
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
