I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
