If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
