I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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